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Wackiest, tackiest celebrities of 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

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TIGER'S SWING: Did you ever think we'd be handicapping Tiger's mistresses instead of his golf game? Sports' ultimate boy scout became the tabloid gift that kept on giving when a bizarre car accident outside his home started a chain that revealed he had more side dishes than an all-you-can-eat buffet. From porn stars to waitresses, the married father-of-two may showed that his conquests included more than the world of golf.

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(ASSOCIATED PRESSS)

TIGER'S SWING: Did you ever think we'd be handicapping Tiger's mistresses instead of his golf game? Sports' ultimate boy scout became the tabloid gift that kept on giving when a bizarre car accident outside his home started a chain that revealed he had more side dishes than an all-you-can-eat buffet. From porn stars to waitresses, the married father-of-two may showed that his conquests included more than the world of golf.

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THIS IS WHY THEY INVENTED THE TERM "NO COMMENT": When you expect sage commentary from a beauty contestant, you've got a problem. But it's bizarre that Carrie Prejean's anti-gay marriage stance at a Miss USA pageant seemed to set off more fury than when the same sentiments were uttered by any of the nation's elected officials. Still, it's hard to feel sorry for Prejean, who was revealed to have breast implants, nude photos and a solo sex tape.

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MAYBE CHINA WAS RIGHT: Sure, a one-child policy might seem a little extreme, but after watching the questionable to downright scary parenting skills of Nadya Suleman and Jon and Kate Gosselin, maybe the United States needs to follow China's lead. All three used the celebrity of their multiple-birth children to stay in the limelight. But karma will soon catch up ... in the form of multiple teenagers.

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FATHER OF THE YEAR: Even Joe Jackson would shake his head at the shenanigans of this year's winner, Jon Gosselin. The father of eight declared he was standing up for himself by breaking free from his bullying wife Kate ... and then proceeded to act so shamelessly we jumped on the Team Kate bandwagon. He was linked to a young teacher BEFORE they announced their split, took up with a hard-partying twenty-something and then cheated on HER ... with a tabloid reporter.

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AT LEAST WE HAVE JERMAJESTY: Michael Jackson's death showed us that along with his music, the craziness will also live on. The Jackson family kept his body on ice for more than two months so they could have another memorial that cost more than $1 million, Jermaine Jackson tried to mount a tribute show to his brother that fizzled, LaToya mugged for camera time and the remaining four of the five living Jackson brothers had a reality show by year's end.

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APOLOGY FAIL: When you've done something as heinious as attack your girlfriend, you'd better have your "I'm sorry" game on point. Chris Brown was woefully off-message with his apologies ... you could almost see the "let me tell you what REALLY happened" look in his eyes. Tweeting that he still loved the woman he attacked also didn't endear him to fans. Even Ike knew when to leave Tina alone.

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REALITY SHOW FAIL-BALLOON BOY: It's hard to blame Richard and Mayumi Heene (the parents in the infamous balloon boy hoax) for making up the ludicrous plot that their 6-year-old son was floating away in a ballon to garner attention from the press in hopes of getting a reality show. After all, if they watched "Real Housewives," "For the Love of Ray J," "The Hills" or just about any other reality show, there is so much fiction they probably thought their hoax was an appropriate audition.

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"YES I'M ON THE LIST" REALLY DOES WORK: Tareq and Michelle Salahi shocked the society world (and the White House) when they managed to crash the first state dinner of President Obama, despite a guest list that required security clearance and Secret Service screening. All we can say is ... big deal. White House security has nothing on entertainment's cliboard-carrying publicists. If they manage to crash a Diddy party, then that's worth talking about.

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CELEBRITY OF THE YEAR: In an age where celebrities detail their bikini waxes in interviews and debut their new implants at premieres, it was refreshing to see an ungroomed, portly woman from across the Atlantic become the year's biggest sensation. Susan Boyle proved to anyone worried that talentless opportunists were taking over our entertainment world that sometimes, talent does trump looks, substance can rise above style and a voice can win out over auto-tune.